Vampires in a Bar
It's Halloween and everyone's out trick-or-treating. A bartender is working the late-night shift at the bar. He looks outside and sees everyone in crazy costumes. He sighs and picks up a glass and starts cleaning it.At around midnight, a guy in a vampire costume walks in and sits at the bar. He says to the bartender "Hi. I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."The bartender looks at him skeptically. "No you're not. You're just wearing a costume.""No, no, really," he insists. "I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please.""Alright," the bartender says. He goes in the back and comes out with a cup of blood. He gives it to the vampire who drinks it right away."Thanks," he says, and leaves.An hour later another vampire comes in and sits at the bar. He says "Hi, I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please.""Okay," the bartender says and goes in the back again. He comes out with another cup of blood. He gives it to the vampire who drinks it and leaves with a 'thanks'.An hour later a third vampire comes in and sits at the bar. "Hi," he says to to the bartender. "I'm a vam...""I know, I know," the bartender interrupts. "You're a vampire and you want a cup of blood right?""Um, no," the vampire answers. "I AM a vampire, but I'd just like a glass of hot water please.""Sure" the bartender says. He pours him a glass of hot water. As he gives it to the vampire he says "You know, there were two vampires that came in before you that wanted blood. How come you're just asking for water?"Without answering the vampire reaches into his pocket and pulls out a used band-aid."Tea time."
Feel Better
Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying.She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me.. the whole world hates me!"Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."
STUPID QUESTIONS
10 most stupid questions people usually ask in obvious situations and some equally stupid answers:-
1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends
Stupid Question:- Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:- Well,it's so hot, there were no cool cabs so I thought i'd watch some advertisements in the cool comfort of the theatre.
2. In the bus: A fat girl wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet
Stupid Question:- Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:- No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia..... why don't you try again or should i try this time.
3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask
Stupid Question:- Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:- Why?Would it rather have been you?
4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter
Stupid Question:- Is the "blah blah blah" dish good
Answer:- No, its teribble and made of adulterated cement.We occasionaly also spit in it.
5. At a family get-together.When some distant aunt meets you after years
Stupid Question:- Munna,Chickoo, you've become so big.
Answer:- Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.
6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask
Stupid Question:- Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:- No,he's a miserable wife-beating, insensitive lout...it's just the money.
7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call
Stupid Question:- Sorry. were you sleeping.
Answer:- No. I was playing cricket for India at Sharjah and just when you called Salim Malik was betting with me that Pakistan would win. What do you think?
8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair
Stupid Question:- Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:- No, its autumn and I'm shedding......
9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth
Stupid Question:- Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:- And while I'm telling you , you tell me if I bite.
10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks
Stupid Question:- Oh, so you smoke
Answer:- No, it's a miracle... it was a chalk and now it's in flames!!!
ARE YOU KIDDING?
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources person asked a young applicant fresh out of Business School, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"
The applicant said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years - say, a red Corvette?"
The applicant sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
Is Windows a Virus?
No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.So Windows is not a virus.It's a bug.
SANTA BANTA -JOKES
Santa's wife, Jeeto, got into a terrible car accident. Her face was burned terribly. The doctors couldn't use any skin on her body to graft onto her face for reconstructive surgery.
As a result, Santa offered the skin off his butt for the surgery. She had the surgery and was as beautiful after as she was before the surgery.
One night Jeeto and Santa were watching TV when she broke down crying.
"What's the matter?" Santa asked.
Jeeto said "I can't believe you did this for me."
Santa hugged her and replied, "Don't worry about it, I love you, and I'd do anything for you."
But how will I ever repay you?" she asked.
To which Santa replied, "You don't need to repay me... you wouldn't believe the satisfaction I get every time I see your mom kiss you on the cheek."
Saving the Marriage
After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, Banta and his wife Preeto decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each others for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, Banta held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, Preeto began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 10-15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down. Afterwards, Preeto sat there - speechless. He looked over at Banta who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. The counselor spoke to Banta, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!" Banta scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Wednesdays and Saturdays."
The Veg Chicken
Each Friday night after work, Santa would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a tandoori chicken and some meat kebabs. But, all of his neighbors were strict Catholics and they were forbidden from eating chicken and meat on a Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled meats was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their Priest. The Priest came to visit Santa, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Santa attended Mass and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Sikh, and raised a Sikh, but now, you are a Catholic." Santa's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived. The wonderful aroma of tandoori chicken and meat kebabs filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Santa's backyard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Santa, holding a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meats and chanted: "Oye, you waz born a chicken, and you waz born a lamb, you waz raised a chicken, and you waz raised a lamb but now yara, you are a potato and tomato"!
Nano Effect
Michael, Francis and Banta are standing at the Gates of Heaven being interviewed by St. Peter. "Ok you, Michael, how many times did you cheat on your wife?”
“Let me be honest Peter. I've been seeing at least two or three different women a year all my married life”. "Ok, your car in heaven is that Hyundai Santro there. Goodbye." St. Peter turns to Francis, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" Francis replies, "I must admit that in fifteen years of marriage I did cheat on my wife twice." St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that Honda Civic. Here are the keys. Get going!" He then looks at Banta, "And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife?" Banta lifts his head high and replies, "I am proud to say that in over twenty years of marriage, I never cheated on my wife. In fact, my beloved has been dead for two years now and I remained celibate the whole time!" St Peter replies, "Very impressive... Your car in heaven is that BMW Z4-M Roadster convertible, Goodbye!” Michael and Francis have driven off and are in a car park nearby waiting for their friend. Banta turns up in his BMW but he is crying his heart out. Michael asks, “Arrre! What's the matter with you? We should be crying. We're stuck with these cheaper models and you got an expensive BMW!" Between sobs Banta explains, "I just saw my wife driving a Nano!"
Santa Banta moving their computers
Santa and Banta work in a software company. One day, they were to move their computers to another building. Santa was having a tough time carrying his machine. Santa: "My machine has 500 MB disk. See how easily I am carrying it. Yours has just 250 MB. Can't you carry even this much?" Banta: "But yours is empty and my disk is full!”
A for apple
B for Banta class mein - madam maine "abc" yaad karli.. Madam -ok , to sunao.. Banta - abcdefghijklemnopqrstuvwxyz….. Madam - arey aise nahi ….aise suna A for apple
Banta - ok madam….
A for apple.
B for bada apple.
C for chhota apple.
D for dusra apple.
E for ek aur apple.
F for fokat ka apple.
G for gol apple.
H for hazar apple I for itney saarey apple?
J for jaao nahi khaani hai apple
K for kaise nahi khaayengey apple
L for lena padhega tumko apple
M for mujhe nahi chahiye itne apple
N for naa nahi kehtey kyunkey yeh hai apple
O for Oh to tumne khaa daale yeh saare apple
P for peth bhar khaao apple
Q for qismat mein nahi hoti hai sabke, yeh apple
R for roz agar khaao tum apple
S for sehetmand rahoge khaaogey agar tum apple
T for tumko nahi milengey itney achey apple
U for udhaar kii nahi hai yeh apple
V for very tasty hai yeh apple
W for waste na karo time aur khaalo jaldi se apple
X for X'mas mei bhii Hi! khana padenge apple
Y for yun na chehra phero dekhkey apple
Z for zaraasa aur khaalo apple
